July 25, 2013!
That whole week was a mess. I remember laying on the living room couch, it had to be about 11 pm at night and that’s when the pains started. I was going on 7 weeks pregnant, and these were pains I had never felt before. Laying on the floor, all balled up screaming for my mom. Next thing I know the pain had stopped and I was in the hospital bed. To be honest this was just the beginning.
The first hospital couldn’t find the problem, so they sent me home. The next day I experienced another painful episode. But still no answers to what is wrong. At this point, we are at hospital #2. The next day comes along and I was back at the hospital again with no results. I literally went to the hospital 5 times in one week, before they could tell me that I was having a miscarriage. Just think how I felt. Still, to this day it doesn’t make sense.
The first hospital visit was with my mom, any time after she was at work. So, I had to do this by myself. I had to support my own emotions. My child’s father and family came up with every excuse on why they couldn’t make. Mentally I was hurt and alone while listening to the doctor tell me I missed carried and I needed to take it easy. The way the hospital explained things; you would have thought I was having twins and one passed. However, still to this day, I don’t know why I had a miscarriage.
My child’s father and I never talked about the miscarriage. I didn’t know how he felt, for me, I sink into a deep depression. Have you ever lived life just going with the flow? Well, that’s how I was living. I was lost and couldn’t get past the hurt. Preparing for a child and then they aren’t brought into this world is hard. It’s like someone stomping a hole into your heart.
I was diagnosed with serve depression, anxiety, and neglect disorder. At that point, I was barely functional. I would do anything to run away from the pain. Questioning myself as a woman, asking myself why couldn’t I carry my child full-term? What is wrong with me? Over time, blaming myself was the only way to answer these questions. I wanted my baby so bad, no matter if I was going to be a single mom. I wanted/needed my baby.
The miscarriage brought me to my lowest point in life. With no support, comfort, or love from my child’s father, I lost it. Depression took over my mind and body, still to this day I battle with it. Thinking about how I planned for an unborn baby and it never happened. Over time I stopped blaming myself. I realized I would never forget though.
Miscarriages to me is a form of death, something I don’t cope with. It drained me and made me feel lost and unloved. See, I became depressed after a great loss. Then to find out in 2018 that I have a syndrome called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which can prevent me from ever having kids again.