From Miscarriage to Depression.

July 25, 2013!

That whole week was a mess. I remember laying on the living room couch, it had to be about 11 pm at night and that’s when the pains started.  I was going on 7 weeks pregnant, and these were pains I had never felt before.  Laying on the floor, all balled up screaming for my mom. Next thing I know the pain had stopped and I was in the hospital bed. To be honest this was just the beginning.

The first hospital couldn’t find the problem, so they sent me home. The next day I experienced another painful episode. But still no answers to what is wrong. At this point, we are at hospital #2. The next day comes along and I was back at the hospital again with no results. I literally went to the hospital 5 times in one week, before they could tell me that I was having a miscarriage. Just think how I felt. Still, to this day it doesn’t make sense.

The first hospital visit was with my mom, any time after she was at work. So, I had to do this by myself. I had to support my own emotions. My child’s father and family came up with every excuse on why they couldn’t make. Mentally I was hurt and alone while listening to the doctor tell me I missed carried and I needed to take it easy. The way the hospital explained things; you would have thought I was having twins and one passed. However, still to this day, I don’t know why I had a miscarriage.

My child’s father and I never talked about the miscarriage. I didn’t know how he felt, for me, I sink into a deep depression. Have you ever lived life just going with the flow? Well, that’s how I was living. I was lost and couldn’t get past the hurt. Preparing for a child and then they aren’t brought into this world is hard. It’s like someone stomping a hole into your heart.

November 2013!

I was diagnosed with serve depression, anxiety, and neglect disorder. At that point, I was barely functional. I would do anything to run away from the pain. Questioning myself as a woman, asking myself why couldn’t I carry my child full-term? What is wrong with me? Over time, blaming myself was the only way to answer these questions. I wanted my baby so bad, no matter if I was going to be a single mom. I wanted/needed my baby.

The miscarriage brought me to my lowest point in life. With no support, comfort, or love from my child’s father, I lost it. Depression took over my mind and body, still to this day I battle with it. Thinking about how I planned for an unborn baby and it never happened. Over time I stopped blaming myself. I realized I would never forget though.

Present time!

Miscarriages to me is a form of death, something I don’t cope with. It drained me and made me feel lost and unloved. See, I became depressed after a great loss. Then to find out in 2018 that I have a syndrome called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which can prevent me from ever having kids again.


3 Replies to “From Miscarriage to Depression.

  1. Depression is real and can happen for many reasons and have a Miscarriage is horrible and it is a death just like when I lost my daughter to a freak car accident and I sank into a depression which I am still dealing with and I don’t think it will ever completely go away.

  2. Oh wow! Sigh. I don’t even have a child and I felt this!! It is something that you can recover from entirely due to the memories but I do pray that you are covered in good health and strength despite of your past and current condition.

    Depression is really real but I do pray that you are healed overtime mentally, physically and emotionally!

    I know it is easier said than done but have you considered adoption?

  3. Im so sorry that happened to you. My mom has experienced miscarriages before and after me so although I personally don’t know what its like, I can say I’ve had someone close to me experience it. It’s not easy to deal with and I pray for your healing ❤

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